| Saturday, May 31, 2008 |
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what do you do when you wake up thinking everything will be better, except its not. theres no worse feeling than when you wake up, feel ok for a minute before the sick feeling washes over you then reality strikes and you remember its not okay. not at all.
I know should hate him for the way he treated me. Except that I don't.
I wish I did. I wish I could.
and maybe thats what real love is.
Not hating someone when you have every reason to.
why is it so extremely hard to get over people, i mean like really get over them. we can start to have feelings for other people, but it still doesnt mean we are over them. the good memories of each other will be held close to my heart and i will cherish them always, because they were times spent with you. maybe it wasnt all wonderful, but what is ? i had tears, yes. but thats ok because i had you, i had laughs and i had love. and those were real.
i miss you. |
posted by Jessamine @ 11:03 PM  |
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| Friday, May 30, 2008 |
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Everything, for the most part has been good with me lately.
But, for some reason, I just keep getting lost in thoughts about terribly sad things.
People who have hurt me, people that will never have the chance and people with whom I will never have a chance.
I know the right thing to do.
Yet I keep doing the wrong thing over and over again.
wth is wrong with me???
Heartbroken. Goodness, tts all I ever seem to feel lately=(
And on a happier note school term is finally coming to an end. |
| posted by Jessamine @ 1:31 AM |
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| Sunday, May 25, 2008 |
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"first cut is the deepest"
regret comes in all shapes and sizes.. some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason.. some are bigger like when you let down a friend.
some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice.. some of us have little time for regret because we are looking forward to the future.. sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change your own ways..
but, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did.. but for the things we didn't do. |
| posted by Jessamine @ 5:20 AM |
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| Tuesday, May 20, 2008 |
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"不在乎天長地久，只在乎曾經擁有"
I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy. Meredith and Derek are doing a clinical trial on people with brain tumors, and they have a female patient. She is supposed to do the trial, which is likely to kill her, but she wants to wait for the man she loves. She describes the fairy tale way in which she met him, on a ship where he returned to her a missing shoe. The Cinderella story combined with the fact that there are no pictures of the man led Meredith to believe that he did not exist, as the brain tumor can cause delusions. The woman tells the doctors to wait until 3 for her lover to come. 3 comes around, then 4, then 5.. and they have to do the procedure and the woman has to accept the fact that her lover was imaginary.
That is, until her lover shows up in the middle of the procedure, which fails. The woman is in a permanent coma and the man she loves is left to hold her hand and weep for his lost love... all because Meredith believed a love like that could only exist in the imagination.( and yes, i cried)
Imagine that. One has to die believing that they never had true love, while the other must go on without their other half. So, better to have loved and lost, or to not have really loved at all?
frankly speaking ive never really been attracted to the "romantic" type. not a big fan on roses and serenades and things of that nature. Plus, Im pretty much turned off by the suave-smooth, touchy, charming guys. If there isnt a chase, then whats the point right? I have a tendency to go for guys that are more reserved, funny but not the center-of-attention, have goofy hobbies, unusual interests, and trustworthy.
Even when i have a boyfriend, I'm still not really big on romance. Rather than go to a schmancy dinner, I had prefer a movie and a little cuddle( only cuddle). However, I am still a girl. I happen to like surprises, like a flower or a card for no apparent reason other than to be nice. I love it when somebody goes out of their way just to do something nice, because it shows that they are thinking about you and like to see you happy always. So, while I dont expect much, I am appreciative of the little things. I mean, simply taking the time to have a conversation on the phone is enough for me.
So, in a nutshell, I guess I would rather have thoughts and appreciation rather than full-on, hot and heavy, spend-$1000-on-something-I'll-never-use-again type of romance.
i'm ready for this new beginning, i think.
i'm not completely ready to leave some things behind,
but i am definitely ready to start over.
new beginnings are good. |
| posted by Jessamine @ 1:51 PM |
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| Sunday, May 11, 2008 |
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because in greek,
the opposite of the word truth is not false and its not dishonesty.
Its forgotten. So the opposite of truth is forgotten.
Truth is that is remembered.
jess should stop welcoming those whoes obviously going to break her heart into her life.
need to stop making my ardy complicated life into an even more complicated one.
i tried studying for all my understanding test so as to get better grade and so i did.
i studied. OVERNIGHT. and the problem is i ended up not turning up for class because i fucking couldnt wake up!!!!
60% on daily grades, 40% on understanding test.
2 words, fuck up.
i feel so stressed up and nothing seems to be going my way.
i need a run. i need to run.
running is the only time when i feel "stress free". throwing everything far behind you.
pulling yourself away from the other part of the world.
i miss running. i miss having the wind blowing against my face. i miss running until my legs turn jelly. but my body is too tired to run. too exhausted. zero energy.
wobbly legs even before running.
*k being really nice decided to do smth nice for me since im feeling pretty shity these days. he gave me a sunflower on friday. and dare i say its not the most apporiate time? sch on friday, with my big bag and my laptop, some space to stash the flower into is a problem. and the flower is bending, i donte like it because its bending and it look so sad. it looks like its hunchback and hunching is not good. ok im obviously talking alien. but the bottom line is that giving me flower on a sch day is not good. ok im really a bitch. really. and you know what? when he gave the flower to me, all i managed to say was "oh, sunflower. i like *carry on conversation*)" i cant believed that i didnt say thank you! but oh wel. mayb because it didnt come from the correct person. im sorry *k. someone better will come along. im sure.
im special,
i deserve respect.
im strong and i carry on. |
| posted by Jessamine @ 4:24 PM |
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| Tuesday, May 6, 2008 |
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"thou shalt resist the temptation to club"
weekend was hmmm fine. no clubbing. yeap i kept to my word despite many tempting messages! im proud to announce that jessamine managed to resist the horrible temptation!
one more reason to club less. i blabber out secret when im drunk or rather when im "high".
damn..
i dunno, but recently im not in the mood to entertain. mayb its because im trying go back to my old self. the one who say what she want, the one one say how she feel, the one who show her anger and the one who show her moodiness. weird as it sounds, being moody, angry and all actually makes me happier. just like how having blonde or gold hair makes me feel. put it this way, i feel more like me than ever.
mayb its because im tired of being the good girl, the one that everybody likes.
and to make sure that i have alot of friends, i have to be nice to everyone, be optimistic, and pretend that everything is just a piece of nice pie. angry, moody, or pesstimistic are not supposed to be in the list. so i guess eventually i got tired of surrpressing the feelings?
being the "good girl" wears me out. almost twice as fast as it normally would.
result of trying to fit into the majority? yeah. but no longer.
not anymore.
kudos to "the disappearing girl" for enlightening me=)
i love that book. |
| posted by Jessamine @ 1:46 AM |
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| Saturday, May 3, 2008 |
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Not been on this for a while haha. Anyways its 6:47am at the moment and i can't get to sleep.
im so tired but i cant seem to fall asleep i just keep tossing and turning in my bed
my stomach's aching with pain and its killing me. thus explained why i didn go to sch(and understanding test).
and now i wish that i didn eat so much dairy( think cheese and ben&jerry).
if u haven alrdy know, jessamine is lactose intolerent.
my day was pretty shit today cause my stomach was still acting nonsense.
so right after my stomach settled down a little, i fall aslp.
but i woke up crying.
it was rlly real and traumatizing. i just couldnt stop crying even after i woke up.
i couldnt bring myself to pick up the damn phone to call my dad because im so scared that it might be real.
then i fall back into deep slp again.
and this time i dreamt of *d. i couldnt remember what i dreamt of, not smth good definitely.
i woke up again with 7 messages on my mobile.
*n asking me if im clubbing tonight cos he wanted to see me? yeah crap.
*e asking me if i wan to club..
*jy tempting me to club.
and the other 4 messages was either asking if im attending sch or if im going for the test.
i need a job. desperately.
i've never in my life seen a 2 digit in my bank. i almost cried when i see the 2 digit in the bank statement.
have been spending alot. 4 movies in a week. pretty enjoyable thou. dining out everyday. korean, japanese and subway(favorite!).
and on the otherhand gossip girl, grey's anatomy and ugly betty are back!!!! yay!!!
im gonna try and sleep now. have been drawing storyboard for the past 1 hr. |
| posted by Jessamine @ 6:11 AM |
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